Well, I or maybe I should say ”we” have started to re-design my website and blog. I’m lucky, very lucky to have my own talented in-house web designer/programmer. So what is this all about?

Cancer does not define me, but is sure has changed me. This site is an outlet to share my story, my findings and document how cancer has completely changed my life and outlook.  Here is the thing, I didn’t have much confidence before cancer and I sure as hell don’t have much after. But I am working on it and my intuition often tells me the following: “Screw that!” People tend to say the darndest things sometimes, don’t they?  They mean well, I think, but sometimes judgment knocks and there ain’t no one home. So, throughout my new site in the next few months you may randomly see a few outrageous verbal bullets I’ve dodged. Trust me its good stuff. It’s my way of finally releasing the issues from the tissues.

Cancer is so freaking sneaky and tricky, one minute you feel great and the next minute you look in the mirror and say “what the f happened.” This is still very much a daily struggle.  I’d like to say one more thing about the verbal vomit that I hear. Hair does not equate healed. I still have a lot of healing to come my way, but I do know this I have no intention of putting up with unneeded and unwelcomed stress. Stress can be just as as evil as cancer, I hope we all can take time to just rest.

This is all just a snippet of the things to come, sorry to ramble. Stay tuned…

Tomorrow marks 8 years, 8 years since I last saw my mom.  She spent 30 days in the ICU, 30 days unconscious, 30 days suffering, 30 days of me desperately wanting to tell her I love her and her to finally hear me. I lost my best friend that day, I also lost my mom and I also lost a part of me. So much has happened in the last 8 years. The day to day heartache still exists, but I have become a little numb to pain recently. I will always remember my mom, I will always miss my mom, but I still feel her close to me every day, I really do. Such a tragic way to lose someone you love, but I have learned so much about life because of her.

Day to day I might get mad at work, home or  just plain mad at the world in general, but I need to take a moment (many moments) to take in the reality of life. I am so lucky, I am lucky to have had a great mom, a great childhood and I am lucky now to be a true survivor. Life is tricky and complicated and I hope my mom knows I am trying my hardest to find my own way.

I love you in ways no words could ever describe, my heart misses you, every day, but the memory of you lives so strongly in my soul, I will love, love, love you forever.

I am not one to remember dates all that well, but 1/25/10 is a date I will never forget. A year ago today the six letter “c” word entered my world.  A year later and so much has happened, exhausting to think about and overwhelming to say the least. Later this week I have some major testing that will determine my progress which has caused some major stress and anxiety lately.  I tell myself every day:  “I will be ok, I am ok.”

I don’t want to get hung up on dates, but there is something about today I will keep close to me….such a reality check.  Years from now I hope this is just a distant memory, but today I remember all too well the words that came out of my doctor’s mouth, my sinking heart and fearful tears. Today someone else will be told they too have cancer, so today I think of those people and send them hope because when you choose hope, anything, I mean anything is possible!

I must say 2010 really wasn’t my year. Although I have learned (and still learning) a lot about myself and what I can handle and what I really can’t handle, I am really not going to miss 2010.  As 2011 fast approaches, I am looking forward to new beginnings with an entirely new journey.  Cancer has shined a light on vulnerabilities I never knew existed, it has been exhausting. Now, it is time to find my energy and get back to being ME again.

My intention is not to forget the tough stuff that I have been through due to this cancer thing, instead it is to forge ahead with the strength cancer has brought me.  I am looking forward to being healthier, happier and stronger.  Cancer has opened my eyes, changed my perspective and allowed me to dig deep. I will spend the rest of my life making sure cancer does not invade me again, but I will also never forget what cancer has taught me.

Cheers to 2011 and good-bye 2010!

What a year it has been, I will be honest I am really looking forward to breaking up with 2010 and welcoming, hugging, embracing 2011.  Each day I am feeling better, channeling my energy more and more and growing hair back inch by inch, I am slowly coming back to life!

There is no doubt, no second guessing that cancer sucks, it turns your life upside down and smacks you in the face. But cancer can also be a “gift,” it can give you an entirely new perspective on life. I must admit calling cancer a “gift” is hard, very hard for me to swallow, but if I dig deep enough I can accept cancer as a “gift.” Don’t get me wrong, I have days, bad days, a badness I didn’t know existed until I was hit with cancer.  If anything, I have come to realize that growing old is a privilege, life doesn’t have to be so stressful and complicated and each daybreak is an opportunity to start over.   Seeing this, feeling this, is not easy.  Looking past my sadness and anger that cancer has caused me and to see the bright side of things is often very hard, but very rewarding at the same time.

Looking forward to even healthier days ahead!

PS- Do me a favor, during this holiday season take a few moments to think of all the strong fighters in your life that have lost the cancer battle and let their strength inspire you.

Today was the first ever Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in Portland, Maine and it was a great success. I want to thank my friends, family, co-workers and teammates for supporting me today and every day.  This event meant a lot to me, it is so important that we find a cure to this horrible disease. It saddens me greatly knowing that everyday people go through the heartbreak of cancer.

I am inspired. Seeing so many breast cancer survivors living healthy, vibrant lives gives me such great hope for my future.  Days like today remind me why it’s important to never give up and that it is ok to rely on the strength of others.  My goal was to run the 5k without stopping and I achieved my goal because I felt the abundance of support of all those around me.

Words can’t really describe how I feel today…I am just so grateful.

Diversified Crew for the Cure you are all awesome!

Let the next chapter, road trip, episode…whatever you want to call it begin! I have been marked up, scanned, tattooed (very tiny, but permanent marks) and given tons of literature to read, I am ready for the next 6 weeks of radiation. Every day, sometimes twice a day I will get my dose of radiation. My job is to show up and be accepting of the process.

I am taking the next 6 weeks to heal inside and out.  I have been through a lot and it’s time to sort it all out and to start to put all the puzzle pieces of my life back together. Apparently your life completely changes when you get cancer, but it some ways it improves your life greatly. Yes, you read that right, cancer can enhance your life, trust me it’s hard to see that day to day but when I step back it’s really clear.

My new mission statement:

I believe everything happens for a reason, and there is no better place to be than right here, right now.

Worry of the week: I need to drop the 10 pounds chemo graciously gave me!

Accomplishment of the week:  I went swimming for the first time in a long, long time.

I saw my Oncologist this week, our visits are becoming less frequent and that makes me sad.  That probably sounds strange to most people, but for the past 7 months my Oncology and Mercy Breast Specialist teams have been right by my side for each new step in my journey. Each week when I would get blood work or chemo or check-in, I found myself surrounded by such caring individuals that truly cared about my health and dedicated to healing me inside and out.  Every Thursday morning I was scheduled to get my blood work done in between chemo treatments and I always left feeling rejuvenated. Each week I would cry, laugh, complain and vent to my nurse and my Mercy posse. Everyone from the receptionist to my doctor made me feel I was capable of doing anything, they would build me back up when I was ready to crumble. I would most likely walk into the office feeling defeated and would leave feeling strong again. Amazing people.  It was also therapeutic to be around other cancer patients, words were not necessary most of the time, just a look of understanding.  So, now that my visits are fewer and fewer, I feel a little lost on those days that I feel completely wiped out and overwhelmed.  I never thought I would miss the third floor of Mercy Fore River!

So, what is next? I am still waiting to start radiation, I am still waiting to get my energy back, and I am still waiting to be able to exhale. I still sort of don’t believe everything that has happened, I haven’t caught up processing it all. We all have a story and a journey; I didn’t realize this until I was diagnosed with stupid cancer. It took cancer for me to really dig deep and for that I am actually grateful, it is really hard doing this, but completely necessary in order for me to truly heal.  I must get out of this funk, I know I will.

Worry of the week: My hair has started to grow back, but I feel like it has stopped growing….have I stressed myself out so much that my hair has had enough!

Accomplishment of the week:  I finally let it all out!

On Thursday, July 15, 2010 at 5:02PM two days after my surgery, I got the call from my surgeon’s office, a phone call I will never forget.  All I heard was “no cancer was found,” umm can you say that again? Wait please repeat one more time.  And one more time…!  Happy, ecstatic, relieved and overwhelmed with emotion, needless to say I had a couple cocktails that night. For now and hopefully the rest of my life this means I don’t need more chemo treatments, I don’t need another surgery and  I can start to get my life back.

As happy as I am, I am equally exhausted physically and emotionally. This experience has been so hard, it has literally taken every ounce of energy I have to deal with all of this on a day to day basis. Even post-chemo, I seem to have no energy some days.  And I think I am also a little numb to everything that has happened, especially since this cacner thing has happened so fast. And of course me being me I am emotional, I am happy, but I still get sad sometimes and then there are times I get mad, really mad.  This shouldn’t have happened to me, it shouldn’t happen to anyone.

So, I am waiting, patiently waiting to slowly feel like ME again-inside and out.  My hair is slowly growing back and I have the beginnings of eyebrows and eyelashes again!  It’s these small things that get me through the days. Each day moving forward, is a day closer to a full recovery and that makes everyday so freaking meaningful. I just have to be patient.

Tomorrow I have surgery and I am nervous, a little scared and ready to get it over with. I have had a great week leading up to surgery: my brother and his family came to visit, I had a weekend of distractions and today was a quiet day at the beach. I think I am ready, I have been a bit emotional the last few weeks, gearing up for surgery has made me think about the past few months as well as the months ahead. I have a lot on my mind, which also follows with a lot of emotions. Tomorrow is another chapter in my cancer story and once it’s over I will have some time to rest before 6 weeks of radiation. I am completely confident in my surgeon and her team, they are truly awesome. They call and check up on me, always available to answer questions and ease me mind. I feel lucky in an unlucky situation. I also want to thank my friends and family near and far for their support. Thank you all!!

Tomorrow can’t come soon enough!